| i feel sick. |
[10 Jul 2008|04:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
i haven't felt well for a month now. it's not the kind of sick coughing feeling. more so i can't function or am able to put words together anymore. and it's scaring the crap out of me. maybe this city is just bringing me down. beer after beer brain cell after brain cell. just throw it away. i dont even feel the need to go out and see bands anymore or pick up my phone if it even rings. things just seem pointless. i feel pointless. i need to get myself going again. hopfully im not just talking shit this time and will do it. i will get out of here next year. do new things meet new people.
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| don't let me fuck up again. because when i need you, you're still a friend. |
[29 Nov 2007|04:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ratatat-nostrand |
] |
things have been disappointing lately.
i guess growing up was never on my to do list.
my emotions right now are listless.
or just out of fucking control.
i can't put my finger on it anymore.
happiness is about a million miles away from me right now and i'd seriously would love to find that fucker.
getting out of my mom's house felt so good at the time. but i'm honestly not even ready.
i left for a couple days.
now im back.
packing up my clothes, soaps, makeup, music, dvds.
things that try and make me happy.
it's come to the point where words are hurting me more than that bitch who pulled out my hair last month.
i realize we fight a lot. but i realize being away will make us both happy on some level. and i'm going to realize i really do apperciate you and love you. a lot.
i'm talking like i'll never see her again. but it's just going to be hard being away from someone i can tell anything too or cry in front of or tell stories about last night too and watch the office with and apperciate that humor. the only person who is on that same level. and i really do enjoy the company of someone with amazing humor.
time to make more money
that will make me happy.
of course.
time to grow up, Rachael.
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| simple. |
[07 Nov 2007|10:51pm] |
it's been a year now
we are no longer sharing the same cigarette under a hungover sunrise.
the winter air is starting to burn my insides
my heart is coated with ice
frozen and forgotten
as i inhale
the smell reminds me of
your smoke coated hair
your booze flowing words
my stupid hopeful tears.
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| nothing new for trash like you. |
[06 Nov 2007|12:23am] |
im still tired.
still miserable.
still drinking the same shitty beer.
still brain dead
and still dreading winter.
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| life. |
[27 Apr 2007|05:07pm] |
I dreamt of a fever, one that would cure me of this cold winter-set heart.
With heat to melt these frozen tears, burned with reasons as to carry on.
Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow,
but I swear that I would follow anything, just get me out of here.
But you get six months to adapt
And you get two more to leave town
And in the event that you do adapt
We still might not want you around
But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose,
but I know that that's impossible now.
And so I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories,
because I just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight.
But I give myself three days to feel better,
or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff.
Because if I can't learn to make myself feel better,
how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?
And I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere.
Just get me past this dead and eternal snow.
Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening,
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere,
just take me there, just take me there, just take me there.
Lie to me and say it's gonna be all right
It's gonna be all right
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| HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[17 Apr 2007|11:29pm] |
|
CHUCK PALAHNIUCK IS COMING TO MILWAUKEE!
MAY 15
7 PM
TICKETS ARE 35 BUCKS I THINK
HE IS COMING TO ALVERNO!
IM SO FUCKING THERE.
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|
[31 Mar 2007|12:00am] |
its hard ending a relationship that went on for a long time. on and off since 14 years old.
having someone to care about and having someone care about you.
feels so fucking great.
just knowing that there is always someone to lean on.
the feeling of never falling.
wonderful.
beautiful.
but then suddenly its completely gone.
one day the wake up and you fall.
just losing that someone.
that person that cared about you.
its hard.
hard to move on.
im craving that feeling again.
im desperate.
i want to care about someone again.
and i want all those feelings back again.
i want to be held.
and kissed on the head.
i want all those cute things back.
i hate how its just all fucking gone.
fuck.
i havent cried in a couple months.
but i really fucking need a good cry.
and it feels great.
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| here comes the sun |
[04 Mar 2007|02:35pm] |
today i woke up in a very fucking good mood.
i think because the sun was shining brightly through my windows.
summer, please come home soon.
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| sorry for being such a shit friend... |
[28 Feb 2007|03:44pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
brand new. play crack the sky. haha dont hate... |
] |
i always try making things for my friends.
and when i do i make something amazing and become selfish and keep it.
hahah i suck.
buuuuut
im reading this pretty amazing book called 'tully' and it's about love and friendship.
and it's real good.
it basically just reminds me how important it is to have that one great best friend.
and how friends are more important than stupid boys.
guh. i love my best friend!
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| i swear im going to cry...im sick of trying to be tough. |
[22 Jan 2007|08:34pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
gregory and the hawk |
] |
im going to be 18 soon in april!
amber and i are planning a trip somewhere.
and im really actully down for it this time.
i always talk about going on trips but its all talk.
plane tickets are expensive but im so willing to just save up for a nice trip in april. i really need it. i havent been away from wisconsin for a very long time. and its time. too much heart break in this fucking city.
so whatever. if i have to go alone. i'll go alone.
im not even going to save up to move out. not yet.
i need a get away first.
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| before i spit out all the peices of my heart |
[20 Jan 2007|03:17pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tv on the radio |
] |
i am going to write a novel.
i am a horrible writer.
but i want to do it.
i need to do it.
then my life will be a play.
then a movie.
then my life will be boring.
thanks for making me realize alot about myself.
thanks for kicking me in the face.
because i did deserve it.
you're gone and thats fine.
im still standing.
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| new years eve |
[08 Jan 2007|04:27pm] |
i already miss this girl, what the fuck.
mikey captured one great picture!
watching the mo macs and being sad cause she was leaving.
and now shes gone! noooo!!!!
come back now, sanam!
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| why? |
[27 Dec 2006|11:56pm] |
why do i answer his phone calls.
or even become his fucking friend.
why do i give him ANOTHER chance.
and let him kiss my neck.
why do i believe everything he says.
like "i still love you" and "we can make this work"
and then...why do i become attached again and want to be with him
but then he turns his back and treats me like a freak.
fucking why.
seriously, i have NEVER in my life been more hurt. my heart is damaged and i dont understand why. im sorry that i dont listen to my friends. and i never will. i feel like i will always love him no matter what he does to me. i wish someone would understand how this feels...does anyone? even after all this emotional abuse...i still want to be with him. after being through so much with someone...you can let them/it go.
I WISH I FUCKING WISH. I COULD EARSE HIM FROM MY HEAD. I NEED SOME ENTERNAL SUNSHINE AND NOW.
i've cried for 2 days straight. i cannot fall asleep or pay attention to anyone. this is my breaking point and i feel it in every inch of my body. i hate this. i fucking hate this.
this makes no sense.
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| hate is a poison, it eats you up from the inside |
[21 Dec 2006|06:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irate |
] |
sometimes i dont listen to myself.
i go against what i promise myself.
but no, we are not dating, and we never will.
and i know that much. and will stick to that.
but im done hating people. even if they were horrible to me.
and i was horrible myself.
shit happens.
so. you know you all can be mad at me for what i decide.
but im fine now. im done with the hate.
its better to have friends than enemies.
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| i thought i was happy |
[18 Dec 2006|09:45pm] |
i thought everything would be good now. but now my heart just feels weak. i just need to breathe. i need a vacation, i need some fresh air. if i had a car right now i would drive so far into the night that i wouldnt even know where i was going. i would blast the music so loud that i wouldnt even be able to hear the on coming traffic or sirens on an ambulance. i would roll down the windows and wait for that brust of new air to enter my lungs and help my weakned heart to start beating again. and once i feel that, i'll know everything will be okay, sometimes i need to remind myself that there is always a beginning to an ending.
maybe it's too late for that.
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| Pure Sunshine |
[16 Dec 2006|10:55am] |
"It gets me down if i let it...if i let my mind drift back to what was then and drift forward to what's ahead. Things drop off. It's hard to find intrest in anything after a time. Christ, we couldn't even enjoy the harmless hangout. Everything has to be an adventure...an assult on the senses. It makes it hard to communicate with people. I mean, they're all about the weather, the nice new sweater and all that small talk. I can't deal with trivialities. Every conversation needs to be substantial. Every word! Every fucking gesture! OR forget about it. What's the point? You're not on my level. You're not cool enough for me.
Man, it really gets me down. When everything's exhausted there's nothing left. The rate i was running, it wouldn't be long. Then what? What's next? What's the score? I can't handle the rest of my life suspended in boredom. Such a chore! Gonna burn out because I can't stand to fade away. Get it all in fast and get out. No turning back now. It's just the way it is, the way i need to be."
this is exactly how i feel
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| der |
[15 Dec 2006|04:23pm] |
ill be okay after tomorrow.
i promise.
ill be happy again.
i just need to toughen up.
im so scared...
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[11 Dec 2006|09:53am] |
the little things in life dont excited me anymore
and that makes me sad.
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[07 Dec 2006|02:07pm] |
this is a fucking nightmare. i want to wake up now.
wow
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